Sebastián Girona, psychologist: "Consultations are full of couples who, despite loving each other very much, end up separating."

"It's not you, it's me" and "I love you, but this isn't what it used to be" are two of the greatest hits that regularly play as the soundtrack when a relationship breaks up. In 'I love you, but it doesn't work' , Sebastián Girona, a psychologist specializing in relationships and couples therapy with more than 20 years of experience, delves into the roots of this painful catchphrase to offer the necessary tools to rebuild those relationships and take them to a more empathetic and healthy place. And he does so based on a premise that is, to say the least, curious: " Some men still live in the 20th century, while women are already in the 21st. This 'difference of centuries' between men and women often means that couples don't function in everyday life, and functioning is just as important, if not more important, than loving each other. Sometimes, love isn't enough. In fact, couples therapy consultations are full of couples who, despite loving each other very much, end up separating ," explains Girona.

In his opinion, all this stems from a fact that, at this point, seems surprising: "Despite having given in a little, men refuse to resign themselves to losing power within the relationship, while women have understood that being in a couple means being there to build a life together. Being there to face difficulties together and to empower each other. The saying 'behind every great man there is always a great woman' has become history. Today, in any case, we should say that 'next to a great man, there is a great woman.' "

This male "tendency" to perpetuate his power within the relationship is more subtle, but it still exists. "There are still men who tell their partners 'I'll help you' with household chores as if they were a woman's exclusive 'obligation.' Men who continue to invalidate women's feelings, who continue to put their family of origin first. Men who have difficulty realizing what they feel internally and even more difficulty expressing it . In short, men who undermine the construction of a healthy, functioning relationship."

In this turbulent scenario, could we say that we are the "guinea pig" generation of an "experiment" that will lead us towards a new type of relationship? "Today, we see more and more men considering having 'a more equal partner' and, perhaps, in a few years this model will be even more common, but today, we are immersed in a transition period that will take time. In this process, men are not the only ones who have to continue evolving to build better relationships; women can and should also do things to improve relationships , starting with stopping thinking that they are asking too much of their partner when, in reality, they are asking for the minimum for it to work."

The ideal, as we know, would be to do a good love casting before getting down to business, but, at the beginning, as we know, it's all wine and roses. "For better or worse, we pair up with the people we're attracted to through falling in love. This special state leads us to a wonderful, but very particular, stage. It's a phase in which we don't see the real person, but rather the person we want to see. That's why I always say that falling in love is a bit of a liar: infatuation . This makes the beginning very unusual. However, sooner or later, that blindness of falling in love ends, and we find ourselves facing the great challenge of building a real love relationship with a real person who is no longer idealized as she was at the beginning. At that precise moment, we begin to see their flaws (and the other person's, ours), which often makes overcoming falling in love very complex."

Why, even when there's a lot of love, might a relationship not work? "Solidarity, influence, admiration, shared projects, commitment... These are some of the ingredients that are essential for a healthy relationship to work. But, in my opinion, the two essential requirements are companionship and eroticism . The former involves much more than going to the movies together, for example. It's always being able to count on the other person and letting that other person know what's on your mind at that moment in your life: your plans, your dreams, your fears, your desires, your yearnings, etc. The latter is much more than sex. It's kisses, cuddles, caresses, hugs, physical contact in general, including sex. If one of these two requirements isn't met, the couple will end up limping ."

Beyond women's economic independence or the smoothing of the legal path to separation, Girona believes that the growing fragility that threatens marital relationships today is due to the fact that, nowadays, "there are many individual stimuli that didn't exist before, and that undermines the construction of the 'we' within the couple. This 'we' has to be above the you and the me, which implies carrying out work that not everyone is willing to do. We find it difficult to think of the couple in terms of effort, but the truth is that it sustains all the important things we have in our lives. Work, friends, family, etc. imply the investment of a certain amount of energy on our part, but, curiously, we expect the relationship to magically sustain itself, and that doesn't work that way. In this day and age, commitment in the emotional realm is scarce, and that makes 'forever' last much less than before."

Effort, yes; but 'putting up with it' to avoid being alone, no. "You have to be in a relationship to be well. One of the fundamental differences when forming a relationship is knowing whether we do it out of desire or necessity. If it's out of necessity, you run the risk of being with just anyone, and that's dangerous because they can hurt you. Being in a relationship to avoid being alone will lead us astray sooner or later . On the other hand, if we tolerate loneliness, if we learn to be alone, and if we eliminate the need factor, the day someone truly worthwhile appears, we will be with that person out of desire, not 'need.'"

What, then, is the secret of couples who stay together? To keep quiet, to negotiate...? Because it's clear that love can't do everything... "Healthy couples have many secrets, but a fundamental one is learning to fight. We can't pretend not to argue with our partner; I'm suspicious of couples who never fight . In those cases, one is keeping many things to themselves, and sooner or later, they will all come out together. We are different people, and those differences are the raw material for fights. The key is being able to ensure that these arguments don't escalate and become a crisis in the relationship that gradually destroys the bond."

Another fundamental secret is to renegotiate the partnership contract from time to time. "A couple that has lasted for years renegotiates its contract several times, because the needs of its members change. Sooner or later, inevitably, we're going to have to change things in our partnership contract. Don't view it as something negative; on the contrary, it's necessary if we want to have a healthy, functioning relationship over the long term."

What warning signs should we respond to if we want to fight for our relationship? "The first sign is having the feeling that the problems that arise in the relationship are much more complex than those that usually occur in the life of any couple (but without falling into the trap of telling ourselves, 'If we have the problems that any couple has, it's not that big a deal.')"

Another important alarm is the abandonment of the main tool for understanding a couple has: dialogue. "I always say that dialogue is the oxygen of a couple , and the choice of this word is no coincidence. A person cannot live without air; nor can a couple without dialogue. In these situations, one of the partners (usually the woman, from what I see in consultations) begins to feel that talking about what's happening to her no longer makes sense and often says to herself: 'Why should I tell him this if nothing ever changes?' When this starts to happen, the situation worsens."

The third sign that things are not going well is when "partners begin to do too many things separately , which doesn't mean they have to do everything together. This situation creates a distance that quietly grows."

Finally, the red light comes on when "one of the two (again, usually the woman) begins to feel lonely despite being in a relationship. She begins to perceive the other as miles away despite sleeping in the same bed every night."

Girona assures that "the first two stages are less harmful than the third and fourth, when the couple is already immersed in very dangerous territory." And he warns that, "against these four alarms, during the third and fourth stages, infidelity is very likely to emerge."

Infidelity, this specialist continues, is "a symptom of the couple, just as a fever is a symptom of an illness. Infidelity doesn't tell me what's wrong with the couple ; it reveals that the couple was already functioning poorly before it happened."

Despite how traumatic the experience can be, "once that initial stormy moment is over, if both partners manage to work through what was happening before the infidelity, the relationship has a chance of moving forward and even being better than before . I'm not saying it's easy or that it always happens, but it is possible."

A breakup tears us apart from the inside. How do you break that invisible bond that binds us to an ex? "It breaks very slowly, and even if we physically separate overnight, psychologically, that separation takes much longer . Especially if the couple has been together for many years and there are children involved."

Separation, she continues, "involves grief, and while grief is a journey of four seasons (denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance), it's not a normal, linear journey where we go from season one to season three. We can't help but go from season one to season three, then season three to season four, then season four to season two. We can continue on this path until we've completed everything we need to do at each season with its corresponding emotion. At some point, that journey ends, and that's when we're fully prepared to start another relationship . However, many people don't give this process time and start relationships too soon."

Faced with the long shadow of nostalgia for a past that, if it ended in a breakup, was surely not as beautiful as we remember, Girona tells us that "we all have psychological scissors inside our heads that cut out what suits us , that keeps the good and discards the bad. The challenge is always to be able to look back and remember a person and a story with the good and the bad that it had. It's like looking at a full glass, neither half empty nor half full. Healing depends on how long it takes us to accept what happened to us and learn to live with those wounds."

In any case, she maintains that " all the stories we've experienced shape us as people in the realm of love, and we learn something from each one of them. We should be aware of this before trying it again with someone."

After so much pain, "throwing in the towel" is an option worth considering. Deciding to be alone so as not to suffer again, is it more painful in the long run? "Of course, it's an option as valid as continuing to try. The most important thing is that it's sincere and chosen, because, often, it presents itself as a decision to be made in the face of the difficulties that the world of relationships presents. In other words, it emerges as a decision that disguises frustration. Decision or frustration, you can always change your mind, and what we need today doesn't necessarily have to be what we need tomorrow, especially if someone worthwhile comes into our lives."